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Joke!
- Thread starter 4EVER17
- Start date
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1. "Your knowledge and input is always welcome but please respect the team, the drivers and other members. Abuse or harsh criticisms will not be tolerated".
2. "This forum is designated 'Family Friendly' - (ie. we have young & impressionable readers - even if they're not Members/Posters) - therefore language must be moderated! - (how would YOU feel about YOUR 9 year old reading it?)
3. "Use of characters (eg. #$*@!) that only 'partially' disguise an intended vulgar/offensive word(s) is unacceptable!
If you MUST express yourself in such a manner... use ***** and let the reader's imagination 'fill in the blanks'."
Thank you for your cooperation.
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Queensland, which is bearing the full brunt of the floods.
He said that since early this morning the flood has been nearly waist high and rain is still falling.
The temperature is soaring and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window, and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
He said that since early this morning the flood has been nearly waist high and rain is still falling.
The temperature is soaring and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window, and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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HSV Raiders
New member
Australian Cricket....
and if its not a big enough joke in itself..
What do you call an Aussie holding a bottle of champagne in his hand?
A waiter!
WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.
The Australian bob sleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.
Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’
Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”
Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What’s the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.
What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”
What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.
What’s the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.
What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record.
He replied: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”
What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.
and if its not a big enough joke in itself..
What do you call an Aussie holding a bottle of champagne in his hand?
A waiter!
WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.
The Australian bob sleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.
Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’
Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”
Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What’s the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.
What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”
What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.
What’s the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.
What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record.
He replied: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”
What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed? " No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus.. You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees please"
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed? " No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus.. You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees please"
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A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to
jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
kiss?"
So, she does. She then gets carried away, unzips his pants and gives him the
best head job he has ever had.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best sex I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
.
jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
kiss?"
So, she does. She then gets carried away, unzips his pants and gives him the
best head job he has ever had.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best sex I have
ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
.
So this bloke is parked at a set of lights in the middle of the night, it's red and he's just waiting for it to change when a car full of towell heads pulls up on the inside lane and goes throuhg without stopping,. . . .
Just then a semi at full speed comes out of the side road and smashes the towell heads car to peices,. . .
The bloke is stunned, . . he says out loud ,. . holy shit , . . .that could have been me. . .
I've got a semi licence,. . . [sa]
Just then a semi at full speed comes out of the side road and smashes the towell heads car to peices,. . .
The bloke is stunned, . . he says out loud ,. . holy shit , . . .that could have been me. . .
I've got a semi licence,. . . [sa]
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach... He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman,
were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been Screwed?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in"
Three women, an American, a Kiwi and a Australian Woman,
were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The American woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been Screwed?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in"
Little Johnny stomped into the living room and threw his bag in the corner and flopped on the couch, "what's wrong with you" his dad asked?
"Got chucked out of class today for no reason" replied Johnny
"Come on mate what did you do" said his dad.
"It was bull****, the teacher asked me if she gave me $20 and then i gave $5 to Kelly, $5 to Sue and $5 to Renee what would i have?
Apparently "Three blow**** and enough left over for a kebab" was not the right answer.
"Got chucked out of class today for no reason" replied Johnny
"Come on mate what did you do" said his dad.
"It was bull****, the teacher asked me if she gave me $20 and then i gave $5 to Kelly, $5 to Sue and $5 to Renee what would i have?
Apparently "Three blow**** and enough left over for a kebab" was not the right answer.
The Neighbour looks over the fence to see little jimmy filling up a fair sized hole in the garden and just has to ask the question,
Jimmy replies "well, my gold fish died so I'm giving it a burial"
The Neighbour says "That's a pretty big hole for a Goldfish"
Jimmy answers as he finishes " That's because it's still inside your flamin cat!"
[crackup]
Jimmy replies "well, my gold fish died so I'm giving it a burial"
The Neighbour says "That's a pretty big hole for a Goldfish"
Jimmy answers as he finishes " That's because it's still inside your flamin cat!"
[crackup]
TOWIE
New member
Little Johnny comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum "Granny's got a prawn!" The mother says "What on earth do you mean?" The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny, stark naked asleep on the sofa. He points to grandma's protruding clitoris and says, "Granny's got a prawn!" His mother whispers "That's your grandmother's clitoris son!" To which the little boy replies...."Well it tastes like a prawn!
[crackup][crackup][crackup]
A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie
,
WA ..
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted
a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb
the
big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that
attacked
her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground
and
got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told
him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the
splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to
go
wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman
demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I
had
to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber
from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm
sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies they turned me
down!!"
,
WA ..
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted
a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb
the
big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that
attacked
her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground
and
got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told
him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the
splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to
go
wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman
demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I
had
to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber
from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm
sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies they turned me
down!!"
was on the train the other day, seated across from a gorgeous Asian woman. I said "hi" and we exchanged small talk for a minute or two. Turns out she's from Thailand. The trip went on in silence, but I couldn't take my eyes off her.
After a while, she returned my direct stare, with smouldering eyes.
I kept telling myself don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection...
But sadly....
...she did
After a while, she returned my direct stare, with smouldering eyes.
I kept telling myself don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection...
But sadly....
...she did
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window, the driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Julia Gillard. They're asking for a $310 million ransom otherwise they're going to douse her with petrol and set her on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Suddenly a man knocks on the window, the driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Julia Gillard. They're asking for a $310 million ransom otherwise they're going to douse her with petrol and set her on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
The conclusion: The Arabs are not happy!!!
· They are not happy in Gaza .
· They are not happy in the West.
· They are not happy in Jerusalem .
· They are not happy in Israel .
· They are not happy in Egypt .
· They are not happy in Libya .
· They are not happy in Algeria .
· They are not happy in Tunis .
· They are not happy in Morocco .
· They are not happy in Yemen .
· They are not happy in Iraq .
· They are not happy in Afghanistan .
· They are not happy in Syria .
· They are not happy in Lebanon .
· They are not happy in Sudan .
· They are not happy in Jordan .
· They are not happy in Iran .
Where are the Arabs happy?
· They are happy in England .
· They are happy in France .
· They are happy in Italy .
· They are happy in Germany .
· They are happy in Sweden .
· They are happy in Holland .
· They are happy in Belgium .
· They are happy in Norway .
· They are happy in the U.S. .
· They are happy in Australia .
· They are happy in New Zealand .
· They are happy in Romania .
· They are happy in Hungary .
They are happy in any other country in the world that is not under a Muslim rule.
And whom do they blame?
· Not Islam.
· Not their leadership.
· Not themselves.
But the same countries in which they are happy to live. This is so true ..... Democracy is really good for them :
In a democracy they can live comfortably, enjoy the high quality of life which they did not build and work for, they don’t have to be productive and earn a living, they can be wild, pray in the street and exploit social services, bite the hand that feeds them.
And by the time the free world wakes up, it will be too late ....
This ones not for the young or those that don't like coarse language.
http://youtu.be/CgBvCplFrBI [crackup]
http://youtu.be/CgBvCplFrBI [crackup]
Racin Jason
Active member
There is a new anti-depressant developed specifically for lesbians.
It's called Trycoxagin.
It's called Trycoxagin.