Joke!

[TS-50]

One thing about blokes from Australia is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Mr. T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'

 

[Racin Jason]

I thought it was because they couldn't give a XXXX what they drink?[sh]

 

[Bartman09]

One thing about blokes from Australia is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Mr. T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'

Need a new computer now as i just spat me coffee all over this one....[crackup][crackup][crackup][crackup]

 

[Racin Jason]

Renault & Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus & calling it the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink & the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is & how to do it. Rumor has it that it leaks transmission fluid around once a month & can be a real C#%T to start in the morning!!

 

[Rob]

Renault & Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus & calling it the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink & the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is & how to do it. Rumor has it that it leaks transmission fluid around once a month & can be a real C#%T to start in the morning!!

another computer coming up more coffee damage[crackup][crackup][crackup]

 

[TS-50]

Tourist to Chief 'Big Blackfeather': "How'd you get your name, Chief?"

Chief 'Big Blackfeather': "I kill big black bird when I was young".

Tourist: "What about your wife, '5 Horses'?"

Chief 'Big Blackfeather': "Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag"

 

[TS-50]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".[crackup]

 

[Bartman09]

**** I've got to stop drinkin' coffee when i read the jokes thread...[crackup][crackup][smashpc][smashpc]

Another computer required

 

[Bartman09]

Channel Seven's coverage of the Tr888or/HRT 1000 Er. I mean Bathurst 1000.
Need i say more.

 

[DJR 17]

urgent message to all Holden owners

Coca Cola are offering to take your cars and turn them into coke cans at least giving them 10 cents of value.Take the offer as Any Holden car is not even worth ten cents

 

[The Wench]

man and wife are making a new password for the computer. man types "mypenis", wife falls to the floor laughing cause the computer says "error: too short"

 

[TS-50]

[crackup]

 

[TS-50]

One rainy spring night in the city, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab
and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered. “Smith Road "answered the woman."
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you
looking at?”

"Well honey, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and
I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Haven`t you got anything smaller?"

 

[jaesis73]

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Sydney


Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $5 to $10 every day.

Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $20 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $20 notes every day'.

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $5 to $10'.

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....
It reads, 'I only need another $20 to move back to Pakistan '.

 

[TS-50]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need

to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know,

take it out on Someone you don't know.



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I Politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"




Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!"

and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him,

I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two Digits.



After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,

I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT.

I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"



One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the Horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

Noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt
(I had his number on speed dial,)

I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford.

It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Steve, you're a C*nt!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call.



Then one day I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.

"Hello?"

"You're a C*nt!" (but I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah." I said.

"Stop calling me!" he screamed.

"Make me." I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared... C*nt." and hung up.



Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, C*nt," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."



Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Alice Street, Ilford,

and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News

about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street.



I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the sh!t out of each other in front of six police cars,

an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.



Now I feel MUCH better.



Take it from me, anger management really works.

 

[Yap]

I went to get on the bus this morning, and the Pakistani driver said "I'm jampacked full"

I said "I couldn't give a f**k what your name is, I just want to get on"

 

[79maq]

Funny as TS. IF I was any older I would have peed my pants[bw]

 

[DJR 17]

Pure Gold TS![bw][crackup][crackup][crackup]

 

[Bartman09]

Two words

SIMON McNAMARA

 

[Beejay]

Two words

SIMON McNAMARA

That's a bit harsh. How about -

ROLAND DANE!