Joke!

[TS-50]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says "Hello!"..

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids...'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.

 

[Gerry]

Apparently Paul McCartney is already complaining about his new wife's spending habits.
She spends twice as much as the last one on shoes!

 

[Car61]

and..... Stockings !

 

[TS-50]

Herald Sun Reporting ( an undisputed liberal paper)

A group of Hell's Angel's are visiting the zoo,with their kids at Royal
Park near Melbourne, One giant biker, covered in Tattoo's sees a little
girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the
cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside the cage, under the eyes
of her screaming parents.

The Hells Angel jumps over the fence, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the
lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her
terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Herald Sun reporter has seen the whole thing, and addressing the
biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a
man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw
this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from
the Herald Sun, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on
the front page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political
affiliation do you have?"

"A Harley Davidson and I am a member of the ALP."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The Herald Sun to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

*ALP BIKEY GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH*

 

[TS-50]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.




The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife, increasingly agitated:

"Oh, he did, did he ??"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth:

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora.......The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

[TS-50]

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit

my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

 

[TS-50]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to
draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says
the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you
go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules
again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and
says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each
tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is now head of Qantas

 

[TS-50]

Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you're a lesbian
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley ?"

 

[Poita]

Ford to take over renault

Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.

 

[TS-50]

[crackup] Clitaurus [tsk]

 

[TS-50]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering," said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.



They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. " Di d you ever doubt?"




They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.

 

[TS-50]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..

 

[Snappa]

well that didn't work

 

[Tellembuggerem]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..

She is easily pleased this one!

 

[TS-50]

A little old lady is in the witness box of the courtroom and she's being cross examined by the counsel for the defence.

Lawyer; can you please state your name and age for the record.

Old lady: I'm ethyl hendricks and I'm 94 years of age

Lawyer; thank you and can you tell the court what happened last April 1st 2011.

Old lady; Well I was sitting on my porch swing as i always do getting some afternoon sun when this young whippersnapper bold as you like just upped over the fence, climbed onto the porch and sat down beside me.

Lawyer; really? so what did you say?

Old Lady; well nuthin, he starts a rubbin my leg with his hand and stroking my hair and it was feelin pretty good , you know I haven't been touched by a man since my Howard passed 32 years ago.

Lawyer; So then what happened?

Old lady; well he starts nibblin on my ear and feelin my boobs and liftin my dress right up almost to george dubbya.

Lawyer; my word ! so did you tell him to stop and leave!

Old lady ; well as i said it was just feelin so good, that i let him keep on a goin and I found myself acting in a most whooarish manner, and leanin back hopin he'd go on.

Lawyer;And did he?

Old Lady; For a time he began strokin me higher up than i bin touched for 40 years and it was so lovely I laid back and said take me you young stud, take me!!!

Lawyer: so What happened then?

Old lady; Nuthin, he gets up and yells April Fool and starts headin down the porch steps.
And that's when i picked up young Henry and shot the little bastard![crackup][crackup]

 

[TS-50]

Jen's friend Amy is complaining about having a sore throat.
"When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and, as long as I swallow, it feels better the next day. You should try it," says Jen.
The next day, they meet up and Amy is all smiles.
"How did it go, then?" asks Jen. "Wonderfully!" beams Amy. "Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea."

 

[Poita]

Australian Bedtime Prayer

Dear Lord:

I know that I don't talk to you that much, but over the past few years you have taken away
my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze,my favourite footballer Jimmy Stynes,my favourite actress,
Farah Fawcett and my favourite musicians, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson.

I just wanted to let you know that my favourite politician is Julia Gillard.

Amen

 

[TS-50]

This on face book today,. . .

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

[TS-50]

So, . . . . . . being as it's so quiet around here,. . .time for a little innapropriate humour[tsk]



Q : How many potatoes does it take to kill and Irishman ,. . . . .















A : None[crackup]

 

[Poita]

The Vibrator

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, 'What in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied, 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen bench top and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the lounge room.

She went in and saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied, 'I'm watching the footy with my son-in-law.’