Joke!

[DJR 17]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs an...d that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[DJR 17]

The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse was "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache...", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

 

[DJR 17]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago... this very day, we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds
fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in your oatmeal!"

 

[DJR 17]

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off i...nto the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

 

[DJR 17]

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me.... I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

 

[TS-50]

So I was doing the deed with this bird on the kitchen table, and we heard a key in the front door lock. "Holy crap, it's my husband!" she says. "Quick, try the back door!"

Looking back, maybe I should have bolted -



but you don't get an offer like that every day....

 

[TS-50]

A man went to Macquarie St, Sydney and saw a card advertising for a
Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk
for details.



The clerk pulled up the file and read :

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You
have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so
they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $120,000, and if you're interested you'll have to
go to Bathurst"

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

 

[DJR 17]

A man went to Macquarie St, Sydney and saw a card advertising for a
Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk
for details.



The clerk pulled up the file and read :

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You
have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so
they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $120,000, and if you're interested you'll have to
go to Bathurst"

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

[crackup][crackup][crackup]

 

[Snappa]

Amy winehouse dying was a tragedy. Apparently she had started to record a new album but had only done a few lines.....

 

[Bigcol]

A man went to Macquarie St, Sydney and saw a card advertising for a
Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk
for details.



The clerk pulled up the file and read :

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You
have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so
they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $120,000, and if you're interested you'll have to
go to Bathurst"

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

[crackup][crackup][crackup][crackup]

 

[DJR 17]

A guy was sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”
“Nothing. Just a stupid bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?”
After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.”

 

[Bartman09]

A farmer in North Queensland has successfully grown a field of vibrators. Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters!

 

[TS-50]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

 

[Poita]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's soooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

 

[Car61]

Bill & Ted, two friends, met in the park every day, they fed the pigeons and discussed the world's problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Ted didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ted really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Ted didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed, and Ted figured he had seen the last of Bill, but then one day,
as Ted approached the park... lo and behold! - there sat Bill! Ted was excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'Jeeze Bill, where have you been?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail!'

'Jail!' cried Ted. 'What ever for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde Barmaid at the pub I sometimes go to?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' ...







...'and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'


[crackup]

 

[TS-50]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show
in a small town.


With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you

think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's

hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who

keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,

and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue

to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in

general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap!"

 

[TS-50]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." [crackup]

 

[TS-50]

A bloke rolls up at home at 3am, drunk and tries to get his key in the front door...
His wife throws open the door and stands over him with the rolling pin at the ready. "you've been out drinking again you bum, it's 3am and you've got spew all over your new shirt!!!...that's it! you're finished here"
The bloke thinks quick and explains "baby, the boys took me out after work, I promise I'll never do it again....and here..." he offers her a $20 note...
"What's that for?" she asks
"well, some bloke I was helping down the stairs of the pub was really drunk and he spewed on me...so he gave me $20 for the cleaning"
The wife softens and takes the $20. "don't ever do this again, I'm warning you" she spits back.

The next Friday night, ol' mate rolls up home and tries to get the keys in the door...
His wife throws open the door and stands over him with the rolling pin at the ready. "I told you......and look, you've got spew all over your new shirt again!!!...that's it! you're finished here"
The bloke gingerly holds out 2, $20 notes
"what's this for?" she asks
"well" he explains "well, another bloke I was helping down the stairs of the pub was really drunk and he spewed on me...so he gave me $20 for the cleaning"
"what's the other $20 for then?" she asks
he answers "well, thats from the other dirty bastard that shit in me pants!

 

[TS-50]

This one might have made an appearance here before, but worth it again if so,. [crackup]




A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen ? The old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some more good news.'

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry, mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good-sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well,' the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

 

[Poita]

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said: "How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband: "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"


"No, it's turned black..."